in the sky / los angeles burning.

8/28

rising above and looking down
i am overwhelmed by this growing love
i have for los angeles.
pulling away,
different facets come to surface
weaving textures
of people who live and breathe this vastness
and would die no where else
but in these clouds that now envelope me.

the remains of smokey fields
that burned the rolling hills into
a volcano of purple and pink
outside your window.
we collide amongst energies
at perpetual war on the fields
of this loving city that is
begging for the dance.

consumed by its longing
so much we can't see.
misinterpreting one anothers edges
as if we ourselves cannot open
and close without good conscience.

i am learning to let go of dwelling
to make growth in each moment
as if chose to be here.
and i did. i am here.
i love this city. this life.
this precious everything.

so dance with me.
you sparkling fools. you stubborn dreamers.
you confused teachers and lonely lovers.
sleepyheads
coming from behind the front.
i look for you.
silent and still
as it moves all around us.

i wonder
when i return home
is it written on my face
have my eyes changed
and is my skin toned
permanently browned
by 100 degree smog
and the intricacies of this
social language in which
i have nestled in a cocoon with you,
strange strangers.
where i feel alive and challenged
to question energy
so that i may one day bloom.

come.
let us throw these odes of opinionated love
into the air
along with the ashes of every memory
we hold dear.
and expect nothing but the now
and all that entails.

snails can sleep for 3 years.
and we can sleep forever
as it all burns down.

currently under self-observation.

02/01/09

it's been a while and so much has changed. the l.a. river looks lived in by humans fishing for clothes and shelter and here i am claiming to live on an island with no parking. someone died and someone is about to be born and i'm not sure what records to play anymore. i feel thrown off but ok with the feeling of floating. because the aim is the anchor and i'm constantly trying to to understand..feel everything i have ever felt along with what i am feeling now. a small sense of security in my self-expression, in momentary confidence, in subtle whisper to the sky and to whoever is listening.

vibrationally speaking, support looks like silent awareness.

"we are not conscious. we are not free. we constantly lie to ourselves. we do not know ourselves. we constantly react, adapt and adapt, thinking we are evolving..." loving words to remind me i am here. i am not there. but i can be.

peer contemplation

o1.05.09
somewhere in ilocos sur

we are thought to get along with our peer group.
in my reorganization of selves,
i'm contemplating who i really relate to.
currently, i feel out of place with my "expected" peer group,
on top of just feeling out of place.
in studying "essence" and "personality",
i find sense in my connection to elders and children.
i guess it is the simplicity and unecessary chatter.
together, we are shaped to learn and to share.

family is an interesting factor.
given i am blessed with unconditional love of my own nucleus.
i also see what i have learned in growing up
that has shaped my personality,
not all of which i want to nurture.

love, however, i wonder
if planted in the essence of all sentient beings,
is a quiet seed
waiting to be noticed.
uncovered only by the consciousness of the container.
a gift from the unknown
for those who wish to know more.
is not love the thirst for knowledge
and the desire for oneness?

the differences...
been dreaming about past peer groups
and current lone rangers
dreamers of every age.

just needing to find comfort
in my small contribution to it all
to know it comes from my essence
as an offering of progress and spirit
to the collective effort
toward higher existence
for all.

balikbayan journals

o1.03.09
vigan, ilocos sur

the lush is green.
the breeze is full.
old shells where lines continue
with the face of age.
mechanic with emotion,
feelings
are energy floating about
tumbling and sticking to one another
framed with the illusion of progress
or evolution.
to a certain degree, we adapt
in our own way, find better ways
to deal with situations
better reasons as to why things happen.
validate the whys.

surrounded by mountains and ocean breeze,
i question the whereabouts of my being.
the map of selves i have been obsessed with all my life.
am i coming to a progressive understanding or
am i validating where i wish to be
and am not yet really there?
either way, there is a magnetic center
somewhere.

there has been conscious decisions
and unexplainable choices.
there is a knowledge and always emotion.
to observe is to be quiet.
to listen is to be still.
i want to learn the most difficult to face
so i can grow toward my higher ....
even if only a vision now.
each moment, an opportunity
to remember this,

express only love.

how appropriate that today is my father's birthday.